The monster within
There is always a monster lurking around. I never know when it will show its ugly face. My monster within is depression and it takes control of me when I least expect it.
Sometimes it shows as anger other times it is sadness. I never know when it will hit. It hides deep within and stirs always but somedays are better than others. Somedays I can push the monster deep down. I can be happy and I can have fun.
There are also days when it is there just a little and pushing it away doesn’t work. I seem sad and tired. Sometimes I can still be happy but sometimes the tears will come. I can still manage to get through my day and do things that need to be done. I get a little stressed out and get headaches. I also eat to try to console myself. I can almost ignore the monster then, almost.
Then there are days when the monster takes over my entire body. I show anger towards people, mostly my family and I hate that monster. I blame myself for everything that goes wrong or has gone wrong in the past. I think about how people would be better off without me. I stay in my bed away from everyone and I just cry, and cry some more. I cry myself to sleep. I don’t want to eat. I don’t want to be around anyone. I hate the monster and I hate me.
The days after I am taken over by the monster are still filled with sorrow. It takes a terrible toll on my body. It takes a while to recover. I am tired most days; I may look angry or sad. I don’t mean to look that way; the monster just wore me out. I may stare off into space and I will not make eye contact with you. That is my way of making sure you can’t find the monster behind my eyes.
I will cry at the most stupid of things and sometimes that will start the anger towards myself again. It is a cycle that is hard to be broken. I will also have days when going anywhere makes my heart race. I don’t want to be around people. The chance of the monster returning is too high. I can’t let people see the monster. They may not like me anymore, and this makes me feel alone in the world.
What can you do when it seems like my monster is there?
Realize I am always going to look tired. It is a long hard fight that wears me out. Maybe ask if there is anything you can help with. Chances are I will say I am fine.
Give me a hug. I love hugs. I need hugs. The monster doesn’t know what to do when the affection comes. It sometimes can help melt the monster down a little.
Don’t give up on me. I need friends. I need people to understand this is something that is hard for me. It is my daily challenge in my life. If I am rude or hurtful please realize I don’t mean to be.
Ask me to do things even if I turn you down or at the last minute cancel. The monster makes me freak out at times. I am sometimes scared to leave my house. Just knowing you want to be around me will help.
If I am over your house and suddenly want to leave. Please don’t take it personal. It is not you. The monster is trying to rear its ugly face and I don’t want to be around you when it does that.
There are days when you will see a smile on my face even when the monster is around. I am pretty good at hiding the monster when I need to. So please know every day I am trying to keep a monster under control. Love me as much as you can because I certainly love all of you.